That Old Peruvian Magic
by Style Marshlovski
Summary: Craig Tucker has never forgiven the four boys for their Peruvian escapade, and now he's found a way to even the score. Contains spoilers for the "Pandemic" and "Coon" sagas.
1. The Guinea Pigs

**So this is my first multi-chapter fic (fingers crossed it's exciting enough to keep you reading). [Note: this chapter has a minor spoiler for "The China Problem."] As always, reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated, but flames belong in the fireplace.**

Disclaimer: I don't own _South Park _or its characters.

Kyle couldn't wait for the school day to end. Usually he'd spend most of class talking with his Super Best Friend, but Stan wasn't in school today. Kyle even tried texting him periodically, but they all went unanswered. _He must really be sick, _he thought.

When the bell finally rang, Kyle gathered up his books and stored what he wouldn't need for homework in his locker.

"Kyle," he heard a nasally voice call to him.

"Hey, Craig," he answered.

"Where's Stan today?"

"I dunno, I guess he stayed home."

"That's too bad. He let me borrow his Gersploosh CD yesterday so I could put it on my iPod. I forgot it at home, so I was gonna ask him to come with me to my house and get it."

Kyle thought for a moment. "Well…what if I come over and get it? I was planning on stopping by Stan's anyway to bring him the homework. I can give it to them then."

"Cool. Let's go catch the bus."

…

Kyle arrived with Craig at the Tucker household a short time later. "Do your parents know I was coming here?"

"They had to take my sister for a physical, so they won't be back for a while." Craig unlocked the front door and they stepped inside. "Man, I'm starving. You want something?"

"Nah, I'll just eat when I get home."

Craig walked into the kitchen. "Dude, you at least gotta try these awesome brownies my mom made last night."

"I can't, I'm diabetic."

"Don't worry, they're sugar free," he returned with a plate of them. "She uses that artificial stuff to sweeten them."

"OK, thanks." Kyle grabbed a brownie and bit into it. "Mmm…"

"Good, right?"

"Yeah," he said enthusiastically. "So do you have the CD?"

"It's in my room on the desk," Craig pointed the way. "You can't miss it."

Kyle walked into Craig's room and began to scour the desk in search of the CD. "Where is it?" All of a sudden, a tapping noise coming from the guinea pig's cage caught his attention. He looked over and saw what appeared to be a tiny boy knocking from inside the cage. "What the fuck?" Kyle opened the lid and peered in from above. "Stan?"

"Kyle, we have to get outta here," he spoke with urgency.

"What happened to you?"

"There's no time! We have to go!"

"Find what you were looking for?" Craig stood in the doorway.

Kyle whipped around with a look of panic etched on his face. "What did you do?"

"What are you talking about, Kyle?" he asked with mock concern.

His temper flared. "I'm talking about THIS!" he pointed at the cage.

Craig came over and looked with feigned interest. "Hey, what do you know? I guess Stan didn't stay home sick after all."

"You son of a bitch! What the hell did you do to him?"

He smirked. "Oh, you'll find out…Right. About. Now."

Kyle saw the entire bedroom start to grow before his eyes. When it finally stopped, he stood only eight inches tall.

Craig stared down at him. "Yeah, that's much better. You're a lot easier to handle at this size."

"Why are doing this, Craig?" asked Kyle. "What did we ever do to you?"

"You're kidding, right?" he deadpanned. "First you guys swindle me out of my birthday money by convincing me to invest in clothes and instruments to start a Peruvian flute band; then Homeland Security rounds up all the flute bands and sends us to Guantanamo Bay; then we have to fly to Peru to overthrow their government, where we get stranded in the jungle and end up in an ancient, spooky ruin with a carving of me on the wall; then when I try to walk away, I step on a magical stone tile, making me shoot sparks out of my eyes to defeat the guinea pirate and fulfill the Incan prophecy, when all I wanted to do was stay home. This is why no one likes hanging out with you guys and why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes."

"Oh, come on, Craig, like we _knew _that stuff would happen," Stan defended.

"Apparently, stepping on that tile awakened some kind of power in me, and I knew I could get my revenge. My mom's brownies were the perfect temptation to contain my spell. And since Stripe's been feeling lonely, I decided to use a shrinking spell to give him some playmates."

"God dammit," Kyle slapped his forehead. "I bet they weren't even sugar free either."

"Oh, they were. They also had a special secret ingredient: bananas."

"AAAHH!" he shrieked.

"Not cool, dude," said Stan.

"Why us?" asked Kyle. "Cartman's a way bigger asshole."

"Cartman's a way bigger _everything_, but I don't have a death wish. As for Kenny, I don't think it should be too hard to lure him here with the offer of free food."

"Craig, do what you want with me, just let Kyle go. Peru's been a touchy subject for him ever since Indy was raped."

"Oh, I couldn't keep South Park's two 'Super Best Friends' apart," he said sarcastically. "What kind of monster would I be?" He picked up Kyle and placed him in the cage. "You know what the best part is, Kyle? I didn't even have to invite you over. You _offered _to come here. Guess you're not as smart as everyone thinks. Now, I'm gonna hang out with Clyde and Token for a while, so you be good little pets while I'm gone," he patronized them as he closed the lid.

Kyle immediately began pounding on the glass. "LET US OUT!"

Craig bent down so they could both get a good look at him, and simply flipped them off. Then he got up, walked out of the bedroom, and closed the door.

**I hoped this story piqued your interest. Yes, I borrowed a little of Craig's recapping dialogue from the "Pandemic" episodes.**

**Coincidentally, while I was in the planning stages for the plotline, I heard a song by the New Age band _Cusco_ called "Andes." I'd suggest checking it out.**

**- S.M.**


	2. Farmville Can Wait

Stan and Kyle sat helplessly in Stripe's cage. All they could do was stare at Craig's bedroom door in utter boredom. Then out of nowhere, Stan started snickering to himself. He turned Kyle and said, "So what are _you _in for?"

Kyle looked at him incredulously. "I'm glad you find this so amusing, Stan. You do understand we're facing the very real possibility of spending the rest of our lives in captivity with an overgrown hamster."

Stan tried to think of a silver lining to this depressing situation. "Well, at least we have each other," he shrugged.

"Dude, gay… I can't believe I fell for that Gersploosh line. You don't even listen to them anymore!"

"Yeah, that was pretty dumb, dude," Stan agreed.

"Shut up, asshat. Why didn't you answer any of my texts so I'd know what I was getting myself into?"

"My phone died yesterday. Don't you think I'd let you know the second I realized I was in trouble if I could have?"

Suddenly, Kyle remembered his cell phone and pulled it out of his pocket. "Yes! I have a signal!" He started typing furiously on his keyboard.

Stan peeked over Kyle's shoulder just as he had finished typing [69ingchipmunks at me dot com]. "Are you seriously logging in to Facebook right now?"

"Yup," he said without taking his eyes off the screen.

"Dude, Farmville can wait. We have a bigger issue on our hands than making sure your virtual crops get watered."

"For your information, Mr. Rocket-fucking-Scientist, I'm trying to contact the one person who can get us outta here."

"Oh… well, wouldn't it be easier just to call?"

"Wouldn't work. The receiver's too small to amplify our voices enough. He'd never hear us." Kyle felt something wet pressing against the back of his neck. "Sick, dude! Quick licking me!"

"That's not me, man," he chuckled. "Looks like you made a new friend."

He turned around just in time for Stripe to lick him across the face. "Aw, gross! Why can't he be _your _friend? You're the big animal lover."

"Maybe he's on a kosher diet," Stan joked.

"Ha ha," Kyle rolled his eyes. "All right, he's on chat! Here goes nothing…"

…

At the McCormick house, Kenny was trying desperately to tune out his parents' arguing so he could enjoy the free porn currently displayed on his laptop. Just as the girls in the film were really starting to get down to business, he heard unmistakable the chime of a new message coming in. He took a quick glance at the flashing Facebook tab:

**Kyle Broflovski messaged you**

Kenny clicked the tab so the flashing would stop distracting him, then immediately returned to the porn. About a minute later, the notice came up again, to which he responded in the same fashion. When it flashed a third time, he groaned, put the movie on pause, and looked at his waiting messages:

**Kyle: **kenny r u there

**Kyle: **cmon its important

**Kyle: **answer me goddammit!

Kenny wasn't about to waste time sending an orange tree to Kyle's farm when he could be watching a bunch of hot chicks with big fat titties lezzing out.

**Kenny: **fk off im busy

No sooner had he closed the icon than a slew of cryptic new messages came pouring in:

**Kyle: **coon and friends alert

**Kyle: **human kite and toolshed being held in guinea pigs lair

**Kyle: **peruvian prince out 2 play w mosquito and tupperwear

**Kyle: **avoid his sweet temptations at all costs

**Kyle: **this is not a drill!

Kenny knew that a Coon and Friends distress call meant serious business.

**Kenny: **im on my way

He ran to his closet and got dressed as fast as possible.

"Kenny," Mrs. McCormick knocked his bedroom door. "We're goin' out for pizza tonight… Kenny?" She put her ear to the door but could here nothing more than the wind whistling through his open window.

xxx

**Hey, sorry if this chapter's a little short. It was actually kind of hard to write. I had to write Kyle's email address out longhand because FF hides them when they're typed the way they really look. I promise more stuff will be happening soon though. Stay tuned!**


	3. Everybody Loves Willy

First of all, I'd like to thank **mollanise **for your encouraging review. I was starting to wonder if people actually liked this story.

Unfortunately, I think I might be losing readers with my constant rating and genre changes. I was afraid the story and/or my account would get deleted because the T rating was too lenient, but I looked over the rating system again and it seems all right, so I changed it back.

As for the genres, I began to think the plot wasn't really panning out in any kind of direction usually associated with Sci-Fi (lab experiments, time traveling, aliens, etc.), so the Supernatural heading seemed more appropriate. But now I'm thinking it may actually go in a Sci-Fi direction and still be Supernatural, so I got rid of the Adventure genre.

Sorry if I confused anybody with the changes :-( I think I finally got it right this time, so no more ridiculous adjustments!

* * *

Stealthily, he crept along the side of the house, moving from bush to bush, constantly on the lookout for nosy neighbors. Once he was sure that no one was home, he picked the backdoor lock and made his way to the lair of the guinea pig.

He burst through the bedroom door, then swiftly ran to Stripe's cage and opened the lid. "You guys need a hand?" he asked in his gruff, serious tone.

"Mysterion!" they shouted with joy.

He put a finger to his lips. "We'll talk when it's safe." Mysterion held out his hands for Toolshed and the Human Kite, then placed them on the spring-loaded question mark atop his hooded cape. "Hold on tight," he said as he opened the window and leapt out with catlike reflexes.

…

Kenny, back in his street clothes, sat on his bed as Stan and Kyle explained the details of their predicament. "So Craig's become a powerful supervillain seeking vengeance on us," Kenny surmised.

"And I don't think we'll get much help from the rest of Coon and Friends," said Kyle. "If push came to shove, I'm pretty sure Clyde and Token would side with Craig."

"Yeah, and I'm not sure Timmy would be up for an assignment like this. What do you think, Stan?"

Kenny and Kyle noticed him staring down with a depressed look. "Stan, what's wrong?" Kyle asked.

"I was just thinking…what if you were right? What if we really _are _stuck like this? How could we ever live a normal life? We'd be freaks."

Kyle put a hand on Stan's shoulder. "We're gonna get way through this, OK? It's like you said before: we're in it together, and there's nobody I'd rather be facing this with than my best friend in the whole world. So don't you give up on me."

Stan gave a small smile. "Now who's acting gay?"

Kyle laughed a little.

"Aw…" Kenny cooed. "Group hug!" he grabbed his friends in his arms.

"Ack!" Kyle yelped. "Kenny, we can't breathe!"

"Man, you guys are no fun," he let go.

"C'mon, Kenny!" his dad called. "We're goin' to Whistin' Willy's now!"

"No way, dude!" Stan exclaimed.

"I sure wish _we _could go," Kyle pouted.

"You don't think I'd leave you guys behind, do you?" asked Kenny. "I'll hide you in my parka pockets and sneak you some pizza."

"But what if we get caught?"

"I'll just say I played the crane game and won the world's lamest action figures," he winked.

"We're not lame," Kyle said. "We're cool."

"I can see it now: 'Super Best Friend powers activate!'" Kenny joked.

"We're a lot cooler than _you_," Stan retorted.

"Oh, really? Who's the big hero here, and who got outsmarted by the dullest kid in school?"

"All right, you're awesome," Kyle conceded. "Now can we please just go?"

"But of course," Kenny grinned.

…

While the McCormicks waited for their pizza, Kenny got up to play some Guitar Hero, and immediately regretted it.

"Kenny, you were late on the lead-in," Stan watched from his pocket.

"You played a sour note there," Kyle criticized from the other pocket.

"You have your fingers on the wrong buttons."

"Kenny, that was your cue!"

"Dude, are you even trying?"

"You really suck at this, man."

"AAH! I can't take it anymore!" Kenny decided he'd had enough of the sideline commentary and headed back to the table.

"Why couldn't we go to Casa Bonita?" he overheard on the way.

"I was in the mood for pizza," someone else answered, "and I'm the one buying."

"But I wanted to have tacos!" the first voice whined.

"Oh, shit!" Kenny whispered. "Clyde and Token are here. That means Craig must be around too."

"Don't let them see you!" Kyle said.

Kenny pulled his orange parka hood down over his face and make a quick turn for the restroom. "OK, we should probably hang out in here for a few minutes until we can slip by unnoticed." Just then one of the toilets flushed. "Shh," he told them as he went and stood in front of a urinal.

A stall door opened and the guy walked by the row of urinals. "Kenny, is that you?"

_Fuck! _he thought as he turned around to greet him. "Craig, what's up?"

"Just hanging out here with my bros."

"Yeah? My folks decided to spring for pizza tonight, so ta-da!"

"Nice. You know, Token and Clyde were supposed to come over later tonight, but the football coach wants them to run plays. If you were interested, my mom baked these great brownies, and there's way too many for me to eat by myself. What do you say?"

"Oh, tonight?" Kenny started to sweat. "Uh…well, I would, but…um…it's my night to do the dishes."

"But you're eating _here_."

"Right…but these are the dishes for the whole week. We don't get to eat a lot in our house, being poor and all."

"Ah," Craig nodded.

"Maybe tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure. See you later," he said as he left the restroom.

"Kenny!" Stan shouted. "Why did you say you'd hang out with him tomorrow?"

"Sorry, I was desperate and I panicked!"

"Can we just get back to our table and wait for the pizza?" Kyle asked. "My blood sugar's getting low."

…

After everyone had had their fill at Whistin' Willy's, Kenny and his family returned home.

"Where are we sleeping tonight anyway?" Stan wondered.

"You can both sleep in my bed," Kenny answered.

"No way!" said Kyle. "You might roll over and squash us!"

"You guys will have it to yourselves. I won't be here."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to talk to somebody who can help you get back to normal size."

"Really?" asked Stan. "That's great!"

Kenny sighed. "The only problem is, to see him, I'll have to do something pretty drastic."

"Like what?"

"Listen guys, whatever happens, I need you to trust me, all right?"

"Yeah, sure, Kenny," Kyle said.

"Of course we do," Stan added.

"Good. Now, I brought some extra breadsticks and water home with me. It should be enough to hold you over until I get back. Hopefully, it won't take too long."

"Dude, just take us with you," Kyle suggested.

"Yeah, we're up for the trip."

Kenny shook his head. "You guys can't follow me where I'm going. This is where the trust comes in." He walked over to his window, climbed onto the ledge, and fully stood facing his friends.

"Kenny?" Kyle asked. "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting you the help you need."

"Like _this_?"

"Kenny, whatever's going on, we can talk about it," Stan assured him.

"You guys are my best friends," he smiled. "You've always been there when I needed you. Now _you _need _me_…and I won't let you down."

"Please just come inside!"

Kenny waved a tearful goodbye. "See you soon." He closed his eyes and let himself fall backwards.

"Kenny!" they screamed and ran to the window sill. With great effort they lifted their heads above the ledge and stared with their mouths agape at Kenny's lifeless body lying on the ground below.

"Oh my God!" Stan shouted. "Kenny killed Kenny!"

"You bastard!"

…

"Thanks for the limo ride home, Token. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Bye, Craig," Token and Clyde answered.

_I wonder if my new little pets missed me while I was out, _Craig thought as he headed to his room. When he walked in the door, he immediately noticed his open window. He rushed over to check his guinea pig cage. His relief at seeing Stripe unharmed was soon replaced with the shock of finding Stan and Kyle missing. "Well, _this _complicates things…"

* * *

Boy, these chapters are getting harder and harder to write. But I'm not giving up on this story, I promise!


	4. The Devil-in-Waiting's Advocate

The time between these updates is getting longer with each chapter. I wish my creative juices would flow faster!

I'm glad your sister and her friends liked the fic so far, **mollanise**.

**Guest**, the origin of this story _did_ actually come from an idea I had for a slash fic, but I decided it worked better without an overt romantic subplot. Kyle and Stan's interactions do seem to straddle the line between friendship and romance at times, but I'm leaving the interpretation of their relationship completely up to the reader.

Now, on with the story…

* * *

Stan and Kyle lay in Kenny's bed that night with tears running down their faces. "I can't believe he's really gone," Stan choked out. "Why would he do that?"

Kyle shook his head in disbelief. "He said he was doing it for _us_… how could he think we'd benefit from his death?"

"He asked us to trust him… did he really think this would help, or was that just the rambling of someone who'd lost his mind?"

Kyle let out a heavy sigh. "We're just gonna have to face facts: we're on our own now. Kenny's gone and he isn't coming back."

Stan sniffled. "I miss him already, Kyle."

"Me too, Stan." The two friends hugged each other and closed their eyes as exhaustion overcame them.

…

_It's hotter than I remembered, _Kenny thought as he kicked away the small demons biting at his legs. He walked quickly in spite of them and soon reached his destination.

A guard with a battle axe blocked the entrance. "State your business."

"I seek audience with the Antichrist."

The guard stepped inside the palace door for a few moments. When he returned, he stated simply, "Follow me." He led Kenny through a long corridor till they stood outside a bedroom door. The guard knocked.

"Enter," said a high-pitched, squeaky voice.

Kenny walked into the room and greeted his acquaintance. "Hi, Damien."

"Oh, it's you, Kenny. So what was it this time? Visitors? Lava? Streisand?"

"I took a dive out a second-story window."

"Oh, so you planned it," Damien gathered. "What was your motivation?"

"I need your help."

Damien patted a spot on his bed, inviting Kenny to sit down. "What's the matter?"

"You remember my friends Kyle and Stan?"

"The mortals?"

"Uh…yeah. Somehow they got shrunk by this other kid in school, and I was hoping you could come and change them back."

"Sorry, no can do."

"What? Why not?"

"I can't leave hell for a while. My father grounded me for setting his new boyfriend on fire."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, the douchebag had it coming. If you want my advice, your best chance at getting your friends back to normal is by defeating their enemy."

"But he has superpowers now. You're the only one who could possibly stand a chance at beating him!"

"No," Damien narrowed his eyes. "There is another."

"There is? Who?"

"I think you know."

It suddenly clicked for Kenny. "But how would we even get in contact?"

"My dad's crystal ball-we can use it to find his location, for starters."

"OK, so go get it."

"Well…I'm not really supposed to leave my room while I'm grounded. _You _could swipe it, though."

"Fat chance," Kenny scoffed. "If he catches me, I'm dead!"

"You're already in hell. Where's he gonna send you? Detroit?"

"I'd still rather stay on his good…er…not-quite-so-bad side."

"I think I can help with that," Damien smirked.

…

Satan was sitting on his throne bored, until something peculiar caught his eye. "Kevin?"

"Yesss, my lord," his servant replied.

"Why is there a duck-billed platypus walking around in a parka over there?"

"Uh…"

Kenny quickly grabbed the crystal ball, stuck it under his coat, and made a break for it.

"Somebody grab it!" Satan yelled. "That beaver's smuggling my ball!"

Kevin started snickering.

"Oh, ha ha. Real mature, Kevin."

…

As the morning sunlight streamed in through Kenny's bedroom window, Kyle and Stan began to stir. Kyle yawned and opened his eyes. "Dude, why are you hugging me?"

"Huh?" Stan blinked. "I'm not hugging you. _You're _hugging _me_." They noticed their eyes were red and puffy. "Were we crying about something?"

"I don't think so," Kyle said confused. "The last thing I remember before falling asleep is Kenny leaving to see that guy who's supposed to help us."

"He sure has been gone awhile. His friend must live pretty far away."

"Well, you feel like having some stale breadsticks while we wait?"

"Yeah, let's break those bad boys out."

…

"There," Damien pointed on the crystal ball. "That's where he is."

Kenny deflated. "How am I supposed to get _there_?"

"You can't. You'll just have to get _him _to come to _you_."

"And how do I do that?"

"You have friends; use them to your advantage. Now, are you ready to be sent back?"

Kenny nodded. "Let's do it."

Damien's eyes began to glow red as he concentrated on his spell.

_ RECTUS DOMINUS! _

His eyes slowly returned to their normal dark color as he finished.

Kenny looked around puzzled. "How come I'm still here?"

"Uh oh…I think I must have mixed up the focal point of the spell."

"Hey, what happened to the crystal ball?"

…

"AAAHH!" Kenny's mom screamed. "It's happenin' again!"

"What the hell's going on out there?" Kyle wondered.

"All right, Carol, lie back and stay calm," his dad said.

"Don't tell me what to do, Stuart! Just carry me to Kenny's room!"

"Oh no!" said Stan. "We have to hide!" They had managed to slide down the blanket and run under the bed just as Kenny's parents barged in. Mrs. McCormick flopped down on top of the bed, and the boys instinctively lay on their stomachs underneath.

"Remember to breathe, honey."

"Shut up, asshole! I'm tryin' to give birth here!" She pushed with all her might and delivered. "Does he look OK?"

Mr. McCormick studied their newborn. "Um…he's nice and shiny," he offered.

She looked for herself and sighed in annoyance. "I am gettin' so sick of this crap," she complained as they left the room.

Once it was safe, Stan and Kyle climbed back onto Kenny's bed and saw what looked like a glass bowling bowl covered in afterbirth. Stan looked at Kyle and said, "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."

* * *

The climax will be coming in a little while. I'm thinking there'll only be one or two more chapters in this story.

By the way, I just found out what Damien's backup choir means when they sing "rectus dominus." If anybody thinks they know, post it in a review and I'll mention who got it right when I post the next chapter ;)


	5. You've Got a Friend in Me

Sorry to anyone who was hoping for a conclusion to the story. There's still a little more to go! The title of this chapter is of course inspired by the _Toy Story _theme.

If you wanted to know the answer to what Damien's choir is singing about: "rectus dominus" is a made-up Latin phrase that roughly translates to "ass master."

[Note: There are a few spoilers for "Cancelled," "The Biggest Douche in the Universe," and "A Ladder to Heaven" in this chapter.]

* * *

"Come on, Damien!" Kenny pleaded. "I have to get back to help my friends! What went wrong?"

"I have a hunch, but I need to check the crystal ball to be sure."

"Can you bring it back?"

"I'd better, or my dad will never let me see the light of day again." Damien began focusing all his energy on retrieving Satan's crystal ball.

…

Meanwhile, Stan and Kyle sat staring at said ball in disgust. "Dare you to touch it," Stan suggested.

"I think spending all this time in Kenny's room is turning you into a real perv."

Suddenly, the ball vanished into thin air right before their eyes. "Whoa, dude!" Stan exclaimed. "What happened to it?"

"Don't question miracles. Just be thankful it's gone."

…

"Yeah! You got it!" Kenny said when the crystal ball reappeared in Damien's bedroom.

"All right, let me take a look… Aha! _There's _the problem."

"What is it?"

"When you've been sent back before, your body needed to be delivered from your mother's womb. But according to what I see in the crystal ball, your body didn't leave the physical world when you died this time; it's still lying on the ground next to your house. Your mother couldn't give birth to your body because it's already there."

"So what are you saying?" Kenny looked stunned. "I can't go back?"

"Not _that _way."

He sunk to the floor as a feeling of hopelessness overtook him. "They were counting on me… I really thought I could fix things," he wept. "I'm sorry, guys. I failed."

"Don't get so overdramatic. I said you couldn't go back through rebirth. There _is _another way, you know."

"There is? How?"

"Possession."

"I don't like where this is going…"

"It's simple: I can transport your soul into a living being, and you can carry out your mission through that person."

"I guess it's better than being stuck in hell. But who would I possess?"

"Remember, I said you should use your friends to your advantage," Damien said. "Don't you know anybody you could inhabit who can help you send out a distress signal?"

Kenny grimaced. "Unfortunately, I do."

…

The school day was over and the bus leaned a bit as Eric Cartman stepped off in front of his house. "Mom! I'm home!" he shouted when he got inside.

"Hi, hon. How's my little man doing?"

"Hungry! Where are my Cheesy Poofs?"

"They're in the kitchen, sweetie."

"Well, bring 'em in here! I wanna watch _Terrance and Phillip_!"

"Would you like some chipotle dipping sauce with them?"

"Yeah, I want chipotle dipping sauce! What the hell do you think?"

"OK, I'll be right back."

Cartman sat on the living room couch and stared at a black screen. "Mom, the TV's off!" He got no response. "God, I have to do _everything _around here," he complained as he picked up the remote and clicked it on.

"Here you go, Eric," Liane placed her son's snack in front of him.

"About frickin' time," he grumbled and began to stuff his face.

"Meow," his cat looked up at him.

"No, Kitty, these are _my _Cheesy Poofs," he scowled.

Mr. Kitty tilted her head to the side with a confused look on her face.

"No, Kitty, go away!" Cartman whined.

She jumped up and rested comfortably in his lap.

"GET OFF ME, GOD DAMMIT!" Cartman shouted at the top of his lungs, making the cat leap clear across the room.

All of a sudden, he felt a surge of energy permeate his body. "What the hell was that?"

"Cartman, it's me," Kenny spoke through him.

"Huh? What are doing in my body, Kinny?"

"Craig shrank Stan and Kyle, I jumped out my window last night, and now my soul's possessing you so I can help them get back to normal."

"Stan and Kyle are shrunk?"

"Yes."

"AHAHAHA!" Cartman laughed. "That is awesome!"

"No, it's not!"

"Like hell it isn't! I can do whatever I want to those assholes now! Thank You, God! I am not worthy!"

"You're not hurting our friends. You're gonna help me with their problem."

"Fuck that, po' boy!"

"Oh, yeah?" Kenny took control of Cartman's fist and punched him in the face.

"Ey!"

Another punch.

"Ow! Quit it, Kinny!"

And another.

"Respect my authoritah!"

And one more.

"Mom! Kinny's soul is making me punch myself in the face 'cause I won't help him get Stan and Kahl back to normal size!"

"That's nice, hon," she called back.

"God dammit…"

"Had enough yet, fatass?"

"All right, fine! What do you want me to do?"

"First, you need to go outside."

Cartman did as he was instructed. "OK, why the hell did I have to come out here?"

"To do this." Kenny took control of Cartman's arms, pulled his pants and underwear down, and pushed a button in his rectum.

"AAAHH!" Cartman screamed as the giant satellite dish the visitors had implanted in his ass sprang to life and stuck out hundreds of feet into the air.

"Now, let's just turn a little this way," Kenny had him point his ass toward the message's destination. "Coon and Friends alert," he spoke through Cartman. "Mysterion's essence makes itself known through the Coon's fat-tub-of-lard body to request help in conquering a new enemy for the return of Toolshed and the Human Kite's well-being. Please come to my den ASAP. Mysterion out." Kenny pressed the button once again and the satellite dish quickly retracted from whence it came.

"Weak," Cartman groaned.

"All right, let's go back to my place."

"No way, dude! I'm not going in your rat-infested shack!"

"Well, I have to be there, and my body is pretty useless right now. How else am I supposed to get in?"

"Dumbass, don't you remember what happened the last time you possessed me? We went to Scotland and Chef's parents performed an exorcism. It didn't work right because I drank all your chocolate milk mix, but this time you actually still have your body to go back into."

Kenny was impressed. "Damn, Cartman, you can be pretty smart sometimes."

"You're just now realizing this?"

…

Mrs. McCormick was surprised to see another student get off the school bus with Kevin and Karen. She opened the door when they walked up. "Who's your friend, kids?"

"I'm Craig Tucker," he answered. "Kenny was supposed to come over to my house today and return some stuff he borrowed. Would it be OK if I go up to his room to get it?"

"Well, I guess so. Just make it quick."

Craig walked up the stairs and flipped Carol off when she wasn't looking.

Kyle and Stan heard knocking on Kenny's door. "Not again," said Kyle.

"Kenny," Craig called from the other side. "I think you have a couple of things that belong to me."

"Shit!" Stan whispered as they both scrambled under the bed a second time.

"Hello?" Craig opened the door. "Is anybody in here?"

Kyle and Stan bit their lips anxiously.

"Hmm…where could my little pets be? I think I might need a bit of help." He pulled out a rubber snake on a string from his pocket and began dragging it along the floor.

As soon as it came near the bed, Stan covered his mouth and screamed.

"Stan, calm down," Kyle whispered. "It's fake."

"I can't help it. Snakes freak me out," he answered as he started to hyperventilate.

Kyle knew the danger that came with Stan's erratic breathing. "Do you have your inhaler with you?"

"No," Stan struggled to answer. "I left it at home."

He took a deep breath. "Don't move." Kyle stepped out from underneath the bed, screaming and running wildly.

Craig quickly snatched him up. "There you are," he smirked. "Where's your little friend, huh?"

"He's not here," Kyle lied. "He panicked and ran into a mouse hole."

"Too bad for him. He'd be a lot safer with me than on his own."

"If you're gonna take me back, do it already. I'm tired of hiding. People will get suspicious if you're up here too long anyway."

"If that's what you want."

"Let's just go," he sighed.

"You got it, little man," Craig rubbed his finger over Kyle's head in a teasing matter.

Once he heard the door close, Stan walked out into the middle of the room and sat down in defeat. "Kyle…no…" He gritted his teeth in frustration. "Kenny! Where are you?!"


	6. The Exorcising of Eric T Cartman

OK, so this part and the next were originally one last chapter, but it ended up WAY longer than the others, so I split it into two sections. R&R!

* * *

Cartman's body struggled to keep up with the pace of Kenny's soul as they ran to his dead corpse. "We're here," said Kenny.

"Oh, thank God," Cartman panted. "I was about to pass out right on top of the train tracks."

"Well, you might as well lie down and conserve your energy. We still have to go through the exorcism."

"Dude, I'm way too exhausted to carry your body to the airport."

"We aren't going to the airport."

"But Chef's parents live in Scotland. How the hell are they gonna exorcise you if we're in different countries?" Cartman suddenly realized the answer. "Oh, fu—AAAHH!" he screamed as the satellite dish was once again unleashed from his ass. "Kinny, I hate you with every fiber of my being."

"Mr. and Mrs. McElroy," Kenny spoke, "are you there?"

"Oh, Thomas, come quick! The microwave's talkin'!"

"No, this is Kenny McCormick. My soul is in Eric Cartman's body again. We need you to perform another exorcism."

"This better not be that goddamn Loch Ness Monster tryin' to get my tree-fiddy," said Chef's dad.

"I just gave him a dollar last week," Chef's mom chimed in.

"Well now, don't go givin' him no damn money, woman! That's why he keeps comin' back askin' for the tree-fiddy!"

"Ugh…" Cartman sighed.

…

Craig hid Kyle from view until they were alone in his room. "Time to go back to your home," said Craig.

Kyle bit Craig's finger in defiance.

"Ow! You're gonna wish you hadn't done that, you little shit," he squeezed Kyle.

"Fuck you!" Kyle strained through his constricted body.

"Obviously, Stripe's cage is too good for a vermin like you," he sneered. "I'll just have to find a more appropriate place to keep such a pest."

…

The exorcism was well underway via satellite connection. "In the name of all that is holy," Chef's father spoke, "I command that this spirit be set free!"

Cartman felt like his ass was on fire as Kenny's soul started to crown.

_The things I do for those two, _Kenny thought. In an instant, he was released through Cartman's ass and re-entered his own body. He gasped as he took his first living breath.

"This child is clean," Chef's mother pronounced Cartman.

"Thank you for your help," said Kenny.

"You're welcome there, little crackers," Chef's dad answered. "Now, you remember to watch out for that Loch Ness Monster, hear?"

"Yes, sir."

"Don't let him trick you outta no tree-fiddy."

"Tree-fiddy," Chef's mom interjected.

"No, sir."

"Always be on your guard when a girl scout comes to the door lookin' like a giant crustacean from the Paleolithic era~"

"AAAHH!" Cartman cut him off as he ended the call by retracting the satellite dish one last time. "That…sucked…balls."

"Well, Cartman, since you're here, do you think the Coon would like to lend us a hand confronting the Peruvian Prince?"

"Are you seriously?" he shouted. "After all the shit you just put me through? Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!" he limped away in pain.

Kenny rolled his eyes and proceeded to climb up to his bedroom window. "I'm back," he announced as he jumped inside. Then he saw Stan sitting on the floor, hiccupping from crying. "What happened?"

"He's gone, Kenny," Stan said with his eyes closed. "Craig came and took him."

"Oh, no," Kenny said with an empathetic tone.

"He saved me. I was on the verge of an asthma attack, and he sacrificed himself so I'd be OK. It's all my fault," he broke down.

"Don't worry," Kenny sat next to him and rubbed his back. "We're gonna get Kyle back, and both of you will be returned to full size. I have a plan." He grabbed his cell phone and dialed.

"Hi, Kenny," Craig answered. "I missed you at school today. I thought you were coming over."

"Cut the crap, Craig. I know you have Kyle."

"So you're admitting you broke into my room, then. I guess this makes us even."

"What do you want for him?"

"Excuse me?"

"What do you want in exchange for Kyle?"

"You're the poorest kid in school, Kenny. What could you possibly offer me?"

Kenny thought for a second. "Myself. Let Kyle go, and you can take me in his place."

"What are you doing?!" Stan whispered.

"Shh!"

"Well, McCormick, you got me interested. Why don't you come over in about an hour so we can iron out the details?"

"Agreed."

"I'll be waiting."

After Kenny hung up, Stan started yelling. "That's your plan? You're just gonna hand yourself over to Craig?"

"I just got myself invited to his house, which is a lot easier than trying to sneak in. Phase one in our attack is complete."

"Kenny, he has real powers. I don't think the two of us stand much of a chance against him on our own."

"Ah, but we won't be on our own. We have help coming."

"We do?"

Kenny nodded. "We were wrong when we thought there was no one from Coon and Friends who could help us. There's one member whose powers could be at least as strong as Craig's."

Before Stan could ask who, his answer appeared in a fresh burst of mint and berries with a tasty, satisfying crunch. "Shablagoo!"


	7. The Prince vs The Pauper

The big finale is here! [Note: It contains an ironically tiny spoiler for _Bigger, Longer & Uncut_.]

A big thanks to all of you who've read, reviewed, followed, and/or favorited this fic. The feedback I've received has been much better than I ever expected.

So without further ado, please enjoy the final installment of "That Old Peruvian Magic"!

* * *

An hour after his call from Kenny, Craig opened to the knocking on his front door. "Come on in, _Mysterion_," Craig noticed his superhero garb. "You know that your underwear's supposed to go _inside _your pants, don't you?"

"I didn't come here to trade fashion tips," he said in his gruff voice. "We were making a deal, remember?"

"Give Kyle back!" Stan spoke up.

"Oh, you brought your scared little buddy with you to sweeten the deal? He's so small I didn't even notice him."

"Stan came along to see that Kyle's OK. He isn't part of the trade."

"You really need to work on your bargaining skills. I'm the only one who knows where Kyle is, so here's how it's gonna go down: either the two of you join him in his new home, or you can walk away right now and never see him again."

"That wasn't the deal we had!" Mysterion shouted.

"Prove it. There aren't any witnesses around. I asked my parents if I could have Clyde and Token over to watch movies by ourselves, so they took Ruby to visit my grandma for the night. I'm the only one who knows what's going on here, so who's gonna stop me?"

"Mintberry Crunch!" Bradley Biggle exclaimed as he materialized in the Tucker's living room.

Craig squinted trying to make out the superhero's true identity. "Is that Butters?"

"He's your worst nightmare," Mysterion answered. "Now, here's _my _new deal: either you let Kyle go and change him and Stan back to their original size, or Mintberry Crunch and I beat the crap outta you. So what's it gonna be?"

Craig wore his typical stoic expression and slowly raised his middle finger.

Mysterion placed Stan safely on the couch. "Have it your way." He ran up and punched Craig in the face.

Craig wiped away a little blood from his bottom lip and charged back at Mysterion with a sumo belly bump, knocking the other to the floor.

"Try _this _on, villain!" Mintberry Crunch shouted as he blasted razor-sharp spearmint leaves from his hands, leaving cuts across Craig's cheeks.

Craig snarled at Gokzarah. "It'll take more than that to knock me off my feet."

"Then how about this?" He shot a slew of crunchy, berry-flavored balls of puffed corn in Craig's path, causing him to trip and fall backwards into the sofa.

"Give up now?" asked Mysterion.

Craig eyed Stan still on the couch. "Not even close," he grasped the small boy and held him in a strong grip. "If I see either of you super-_zeros_ attempting to make a move on me, I'll squeeze the life outta this little guy." He pulled the rubber snake out of his pocket and began teasing Stan with it.

"AAAHH! Snake!"

Craig laughed. "What a wimp!"

"What should we do, Mysterion?" asked Mintberry Crunch.

"I don't think we have much of a choice," he sighed. "All right, Craig, we give up. You win."

"No!" Stan protested.

"We'll do whatever you want. Just don't hurt Stan."

Craig smirked in satisfaction. "I knew you'd cave eventually. Now, why don't you go be good boys and have yourselves a brownie?"

Suddenly in a puff a smoke, a figure dressed in black emerged. "I think not."

"Damien!" Kenny shouted. "How did you~? I mean, I thought you were grounded."

"I've been watching you from the crystal ball since you left. My dad was pretty upset when he found me with it, but when he saw that you were in trouble, he knew he had to help the person who'd convinced him to get out of his abusive relationship with Saddam. So here I am."

Kenny laughed with relief. "I'll have to thank him the next time I'm down there."

"Um, hello," Craig interrupted. "Who the hell is this?"

"Funny you should use that word," Kenny remarked.

"I'm surprised you've forgotten me," said Damien. "Allow me to jog your memory." His eyes acquired a red glow as he focused all his energy on Craig.

_ RECTUS DOMINUS! _

Craig's grip on both Stan and the snake loosened as he felt himself getting smaller and smaller, until he too was only eight inches tall.

Stan took the opportunity to shove Craig up against the back of the couch. "Where's Kyle?" he gritted.

"Fuck you, Marsh!" Craig shoved him back. "If you miss your _boyfriend _so much, go look for him yourself… not that you'd be strong enough to get to him anyway."

Stan clenched his fists and was about to punch Craig square in the jaw, but Damien got to him first. The Antichrist picked up Craig in one hand and the rubber snake in the other. He then used his powers to transform the toy into a living snake.

"What are you doing?" Craig asked apprehensively.

Damien dangled Craig a short distance above the snake's waiting jaw. "Tell us where the other mortal is."

Craig looked down and could see clear to the reptile's throat.

"Who's afraid of snakes _now_?" Stan shouted.

Craig looked up at Damien's face. "Please," he shook in fear. "Don't do this!"

"You're not answering my question," he lowered Craig closer to the snake's maw.

Tears started to form in the corners of his eyes.

"Craig, you better do what he says," Kenny told him. Even he was scared about what could happen.

"Last chance," Damien warned as he brought him even closer.

When Craig heard the hissing of the snake magnified tenfold, he broke. "OK! OK!" he cried. "I put him in an old shoebox in my closet! I taped the sides together so he couldn't escape! But I poked holes in the top so he could breathe! I was never gonna hurt either of them, I swear! Please don't let it eat me!"

Damien immediately changed the live snake back into a rubber one and dropped it on the ground. "Mission accomplished."

With Kenny carrying Stan and Damien carrying Craig, they all made their way to Craig's closet. Mintberry Crunch spotted the shoebox and removed the lid, while Kenny let Stan down to go see their rescued friend.

Kyle slowly stood up inside the box. "Stan?"

"Kyle!" he raced over to his Super Best Friend. "You're OK!"

Kyle jumped over the side of the shoebox and embraced Stan. "Thank Abraham! I thought I'd never see you again," he cried.

Stan looked at him with tears in his eyes. "You think you can get away from me that easily?" he smiled.

"Always with the mushy stuff, Stan," Kyle laughed.

"So what do you think, guys?" Kenny asked them. "Wanna rejoin the world of the large?"

Stan looked at Kyle. "You ready?"

"And how!" he answered.

"All right," said Damien. "Stand together."

The two held hands and braced themselves as Damien's eyes glowed red one more time.

…

"Thanks for coming by on such short notice."

"No problem, Mysterion," said Mosquito in his squeaky, nasally voice.

"Sorry about all the trouble," said TupperWear.

"It's all under control now. Are you sure you don't mind watching Craig while he's downsized?"

"Not at all. Maybe we'll have that movie night he talked about at my house."

Mosquito seemed concerned. "He won't be that small forever, will he?"

"He should grow back up in a few days," Damien told them. "Minus his powers, of course."

"Although he doesn't seem to mind the change too much," Mysterion watched Craig playing with Stripe in his cage.

"Man, I should've used that shrinking spell on _myself_," Craig smiled as his guinea pig licked his face. "You're ten times more fun to play with now, Stripe!"

"Well," Mintberry Crunch interjected, "now that everything's back in order, it's time for me to go."

"Bye!" said all of Coon and Friends.

"Shablagoo!" he vanished leaving behind an explosion of mint and berries.

"I'd better get back downstairs myself," Damien said. "Father said the longer I'm up here, the more grounding I'll have to make up."

"Thanks for everything," Mysterion said.

Damien winked and disappeared in another puff of smoke.

"You know," said Stan at his full size, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually looking forward to going back to school."

"I'm not excited about all the makeup work we'll have, though," full-sized Kyle said.

"After what we just went through these past few days, I think we can handle it."

As everyone left the Tucker household, Clyde removed his vuvuzela horn and smiled to himself. "Awesome," he said in his normal nasal voice. "Now _I _get to be in charge for a while."

Token looked back him. "Clyde, shut up and get the cage."

"Waaaah!" he whined. "I wanted to be the leader!"

"Token, come back!" Craig shouted. "Don't leave me alone with this pussy!"

THE END

* * *

Wow! Even after splitting the chapter up, this second part is still the longest section of the whole story. Sorry if the confrontation seemed a little anticlimactic (I'm not very good at writing fight scenes). Thanks again for sticking with me on the journey through my first multi-chapter fic. It's been difficult, but very fulfilling!  
- S.M.


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